One of the most important and surprising facts Haggerty presented was this: Teens report that, although their peers do become more influential as they move through middle and high school, parents’ attitudes and beliefs remain the most important factor in their decision making. And because we know the developing teen brain is less able to use critical thinking and mature judgment, it is crucial for parents to actively coach critical thinking when it comes to substance use.
Haggerty says the critical conversations for parents to have with their teens can be summarized with the acronym “GMC”—Guidelines, Monitoring, and Consequences.
The family guidelines should be clear and specific, stated simply and in positive terms, kept to a minimum number, and enforceable. Preferably, they should be discussed and agreed upon by both parents and with the child BEFORE parties and opportunities to use substances arise. Some examples are: “In this family, we obey the state law, which is no alcohol before age 21” and “In this family, we only get in a car if we know the driver is sober.”
Monitoring should include calling the parents at the home your child will be visiting. Ask “Will you be home? Will they have access to alcohol? Will you be checking on them periodically?” Set the expectation early on (in middle school) that you will always make this phone call. Also, make sure you get a goodnight kiss from your child when they come home—the close proximity will tell you whether they’ve been around cigarettes or alcohol. Be careful that your monitoring does not compromise the bond with your child, says Haggerty. “Don’t go through their drawers and e-mails if they’ve never given you a reason to mistrust them.”
Haggerty stressed that consequences for misuse should be well-conceived, positive, and relevant to your child. Conveniently, many of the most commonly used consequences begin with a “c”—access to car, cell phone, computer, cash, and credit. The “consequences” discussion should happen when all heads are cool and should:
* Make clear what it is the child has done wrong. Ask “What is your understanding of how you violated the
family rules?”
* Give them ownership of the problem. “What do you think would be an appropriate and effective
consequence?”
* Help them think of options to solve the problems/situations they are faced with—but not answers.
* Leave their dignity intact.
